Until now, Manhattan’s Dalton School was best known as ‘that $54k-per-year school Bill Barr’s dad hired Jeffrey Epstein to teach math at’.

But 2020 is a year of new beginnings. Now, the educators at Dalton have decided they want to be known for more for harboring shadowy ultra-rich ephebophiles. Move over, Evergreen College. Stand down, Oberlin. Dalton wants to be the wokest educational center this side of an amphetamine factory.

For all of 2020, Dalton has been flawless in its deference to liberal pieties. In March, the school shut down due to coronavirus. But when less morally rigid schools reopened in the fall, Dalton refused to budge (Naturally, no discounts and no refunds were offered on its $54,000 in annual tuition. Religious purity ain’t cheap). After George Floyd’s martyrdom, the school launched a 31-part racial justice plan.

But now, like Job, Dalton’s dedication to the triune god of Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity is being tested.

Under siege from parents with the arrogant thought that their $54,000 should buy more than some Zoom calls, Dalton recently announced a plan to reopen. But that has sparked an uprising from a cabal of teachers who have grown quite happy drawing their salaries without any monstrous children around.

So now, the revolution has come. More than a hundred Dalton faculty have issued a very, very long list of demands that they want the school to meet before they agree to return for in-person lessons.

Cockburn did not attend the Dalton School as a lad, but the demands give an indication of how remarkable and innovative the pedagogy there must be. For instance, the demands request at least 12 full-time diversity officers for the school, including one just for athletics at the school, because ‘’research suggests that PE/Athletics are important sites of racial identity formation’. Cockburn thought that it was offensive to assume black people are good at basketball. But in fact, it turns out that black people should use basketball to learn that they are black.

And that’s just one of the 24 different demands that have been levied. Dalton’s teachers also want a ban on advanced and AP classes if black students do not perform equally well in them by 2023. They want 50 cents of every dollar raised by the school to be donated to the cavernous maw of the New York public school system. They want mandatory ‘anti-racism’ personal statements to be extracted from every employee (it is unclear if those who decline will be drawn and quartered or merely beheaded).

And, of course, they want money: Tuition rebates for any black students who appear in school promotional materials, an order to employ black-owned businesses as vendors whenever possible, and releases to still be paid a salary if they choose to go off and do political activism instead of nominal employment.

The demands are the culmination of a months-long effort to brand Dalton as some kind of Klan bastion of the Upper East Side. In July, Dalton’s racial Red Guard denounced the school for having too many white people on a conference call.