Christmas may not come from a store, but Cockburn's poor heart still shrunk three sizes after he saw First Lady Jill Biden's attempt at Christmas decorations on Monday.

The good doctor unveiled her first annual White House holiday décor with the theme "Gifts from the Heart", an ode to "small acts of kindness" that was rather small-minded indeed.

Cockburn's distaste for Dr. Jill's decorations is only partially motivated by the fact that he was not invited to the press preview as in past years; he is sure that after four years of First Lady Melania Trump's ethereal...

Christmas may not come from a store, but Cockburn’s poor heart still shrunk three sizes after he saw First Lady Jill Biden’s attempt at Christmas decorations on Monday.

The good doctor unveiled her first annual White House holiday décor with the theme “Gifts from the Heart”, an ode to “small acts of kindness” that was rather small-minded indeed.

Cockburn’s distaste for Dr. Jill’s decorations is only partially motivated by the fact that he was not invited to the press preview as in past years; he is sure that after four years of First Lady Melania Trump’s ethereal and Vogue-esque displays, independent observers will agree that the new administration didn’t live up to the hype.

The East Wing entrance to the White House features precariously perched gift boxes that look as if they could come tumbling down at any moment, much like President Joe Biden’s poll numbers.

The press spitefully referred to Melania’s decorations as a “holiday horror show”, but Cockburn couldn’t help but think the real horror would occur when a precocious child inevitably tried to climb Jill’s teetering present tower.

White House holiday decorations in Washington, DC (Getty)

White House holiday decorations in Washington, DC (Getty Images)

The East Colonnade, previously the grand entrance to Melania’s icy branches and towering red trees, looked like it was inspired by Highlights magazine rather than Glamour. The half-finished hallway offered dangling blue plastic discs and yellow stars à la a kindergarten class’s arts and crafts session.

Even CNN noticed that Dr. Jill’s display was missing the grandeur we enjoyed under the Trump administration:

“However, the lack of the copious amount of decoration of the last several years is felt and seen. There are more bare corners, less in the way of fake snow and twinkling lights, the Christmas trees in the Cross Hall don’t graze the ceiling and are not bunched together. In the Green Room there are just two purple trees and a handful of purple orchid plants, one of Biden’s favored blooms.”

Perhaps the rest of the decorations got stuck on a ship off the coast of Los Angeles?

A relatively bare White House East Room (Getty Images)

A relatively bare White House East Room (Getty)

Dr. Jill did get a little cheeky with the White House gingerbread house by including a gas station, presumably a nod to the skyrocketing prices at the pump, and a fire station and police station, a helpful reminder of the numerous first responders who will be fired thanks to the Biden-endorsed vaccine mandates. Don’t forget the grocery stores — you can’t tell from the photo, but Cockburn assumes the shelves are empty. Meanwhile, the little gingerbread children inside the school are being sent to the principal for refusing to wear their masks.

Is this all part of the “war on Christmas” that Cockburn has heard so much about? Take Cockburn back to the Trumpian version — the press may have compared Melania’s blood red trees to The Shining, but at least then the terror was purely fictional.