The circus came to Dallas this weekend with a who’s-who of Adderall-ridden e-celebrities for the Texas edition of Conservative Political Action Conference.

The scandalous former Olympian-turned-California gubernatorial recall candidate Caitlyn Jenner faced harassment on Saturday while making her way through the conference in a viral video. A heckler calls the transgender politician by her former name, Bruce, and shouts, ‘What do you think about the stuff they’re teaching schools about LGBT? Don’t forget about Jesus!’

‘Look at that sick freak! Why do people want a picture with him,’ the man recording the video asks. ‘Why do we want a picture with a tranny?’

The confrontation resulted in Fox News rodeo gal Tomi Lahren coming to Jenner’s defense in a tweet denouncing the attack as ‘despicable’ and adding, ‘there’s no room for your hate in the America First movement. We believe in freedom and we believe in limited government. The way she chooses to live her personal life harms you in no way!’

Unsurprisingly, many social conservatives were not happy. ‘Boomers need to apologize for making Tomi Lahren famous RIGHT NOW,’ wrote the popular pro-Trump account Columbia Bugle. Cockburn wonders when Jenner and Lahren will claim they’re being subjected to ‘conservative cancel culture.’ Who knew CPAC could bring out such victimhood from washed-up C-list celebrities?

Later that day, Elijah Schaffer of BlazeTV confronted Salon reporter Zachary Petrizzo and his receding hairline. Before rebranding himself as an Oliver Darcy clone, Petrizzo was once a dimwitted young conservative college ‘journalist’ for Campus Reform. In 2018, he defended former president Donald Trump’s immigration policy on the now-defunct NRATV, claiming, ‘If I were to bust into the gates of Disney World and demand a lifetime free pass, I would probably be thrown out. There are rules which govern Disneyworld, yet I think the Democrats would just bust into Disneyland. I think they have absolutely zero respect for the rules and laws in which we hold dear and cherish.’

Nowadays, Petrizzo spends his time obsessing over MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell and Dan Bongino in typo-laced tweets.

‘What do you think of the 2020 BLM riots?’ Schaffer asked Petrizzo, who avoided eye contact and attempted to flee. ‘I don’t know who you guys are,’ he screamed before scurrying off into the conference hall.

‘He’s a piece of shit, and I’ve decided from here out I’m going to pick on the journos that pick on us,’ Schaffer told Cockburn. ‘Absolute losers lmao. We made him famous.’

Far-right firebrand Nick Fuentes, fresh from his ban from Twitter, crashed CPAC with an entourage of ill-dressed children that call themselves groypers.

‘Should we try to walk into CPAC?’ Fuentes asks his supporters in a video before entering the building. ‘It is America. Well, I’m an American, and I’ve been canceled, so I think I’m going into CPAC.’ He then trotted through the halls chanting ‘America First’ and ‘white boy summer.’ Cockburn can’t help feel bad for some of these young chaps. In an age when proper male role models are hard to find, figures such as Fuentes have been able to catapult themselves to sub-cultural fame.

Project Veritas founder James O’Keefe also jumped into the fray at CPAC, surrounding a CNN employee with an army of cameras. ‘You know you look like a coward, right now,’ O’Keefe tells CNN reporter Donie O’Sullivan. ‘You put your wine down, you go to the elevator, you’re running away from me.’

No one watches CPAC anymore for the boring speeches or rehearsed platitudes. It’s now just a far less exciting Wrestlemania for esoteric political geeks to scream at each other.