There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend being shoved overboard as soon as she reaches the ripe age of twenty-five. But while killjoys are moaning online about the actor’s disposition, Cockburn believes that DiCaprio is actually carrying out God’s work.
Climate change, pollution, the energy crisis — the reason for these disasters is simple: there are just too many people on earth.
How does this relate to a middle-aged actor dating young supermodels, you ask?
Simple: Leo is stealing their best child-bearing years one at a time without impregnating them.
Now, Cockburn is no scientist — but he bets that if Leo keeps this up for a few more decades, you will literally see the oceans get clearer.
He’s done the math. Since Leo started dating Giselle Bundchen in 1999, he has had eight girlfriends between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five. Prime child-bearing age, you say? Not if he has anything to do with it.
Now factor in the average fertility rate worldwide, which is 2.4 children per woman. Leo has saved the world from 19.2 children: that’s three hockey teams! And they’re just the girlfriends we know about.
Social media is yet to understand the positives. One earth-ruiner said “Leonardo DiCaprio’s dedication to dropping his girlfriends that he only gets by reputation and name alone the second they hit 25 is genuinely disturbing. No one so extremely ageist doesn’t have skeletons in their closet. Like, how young do you REALLY like them? It’s alarming.”
Another climate change denier said: “I know it’s a running joke that Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t date anyone over the age of 25 and breaks-up with his girlfriends literally before/when they do turn 25 but I think we all need to really reckon with how absolutely fucking predatory this type of shit is.”
While those who don’t “Follow the Science” are calling for DiCaprio’s scalp, Cockburn commends him for his reliability and selflessness. The stats are truly breathtaking. There’s nothing better than a man who can put his feelings aside in order to single-handedly make inroads into overpopulation. Plus Camila Morrone will be fine: Pete Davidson is newly single, after all.