Dr. “Saint” Anthony Fauci — credited with bringing about the “Fauci ouchie” (a vaccine that was such a “miraculous” cure that we needed several of them) and masks that made Granny look like a member of the Insane Clown Posse — is retiring. Fauci’s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic was confusing at best and contradictory at worst. Cockburn will not miss him, but there is perhaps none so eager to see Fauci depart as Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

These two have gone at each other like Marvel comic book characters — DeSantis as a self-fashioned Captain America...

Dr. “Saint” Anthony Fauci — credited with bringing about the “Fauci ouchie” (a vaccine that was such a “miraculous” cure that we needed several of them) and masks that made Granny look like a member of the Insane Clown Posse — is retiring. Fauci’s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic was confusing at best and contradictory at worst. Cockburn will not miss him, but there is perhaps none so eager to see Fauci depart as Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

These two have gone at each other like Marvel comic book characters — DeSantis as a self-fashioned Captain America and Fauci as his archnemesis, perhaps the “wayward psychiatrist Dr. Faustus.” Now, DeSantis apparently has a dream of grabbing “that little elf,” as he called Fauci, and “[chucking] him across the Potomac.”

Cockburn, his imagination stirred after his fourth Singapore Sling, decided to envision just such a scenario as he sat at one of his favorite rooftop bars overlooking the raging Potomac. Would DeSantis, himself an unimpressive 5’9”, compared to Fauci’s “elvish” 5’7”, really be able to launch the doctor all the way across the river? Would DeSantis plop Fauci on his shoulder and employ a shotput style toss? Would the governor grip the doctor like Tom Brady and spiral him all the way into Arlington? Would he graciously grant Fauci the benefit of an N95 respirator to act as a bug shield (could aid in aerodynamics, too)? Would Fauci, who is opposed to shaking hands, even allow DeSantis to touch him? Would a scuffle ensue, and would Fauci’s superpower be sneezing out radioactive droplets?

And where exactly does DeSantis want Fauci to land? “Across the Potomac” is vague, and there’s a chance the lightweight doctor could be caught in a thermal updraft and sail with the birds (Avian flu — thank goodness for that mask!) all the way to Florida.

Cockburn ordered another round, glanced up at the television, and was relieved. Should such a disastrous thing occur, “Top Gov DeSantis” would allow his four-year-old son Mason to fly him in a fighter jet to steer Fauci to somewhere with fewer germs. And handshakes. Like Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland.

In case you missed it (and Cockburn hopes you did):