Cockburn was flattered to read BuzzFeed News’s claim that what Steve Bannon wants to read is a ‘Catholic Spectator’, but puzzled. The Spectator is a broad church, broad enough to accommodate atheists, Bible-bashers, even that notorious sinner Taki. But on further inspection, Cockburn realized that Bannon is talking about British weekly The Catholic Herald, and its launch in America. What the Herald should do, Bannon says, is cultivate ‘Catholic influencers and millionaires’, and to follow the strategy which has worked so well for BuzzFeed, by running listicles like ‘The 25 most influential Catholics in the US.’ Catholic BuzzFeed, perhaps?
The ways of the Lord are more mysterious than Donald Trump’s tax returns. Lo, just as everyone was wailing and gnashing teeth and asking who shalt appear among the blessed on the list of Bannon, an angel appeared unto Cockburn as he waited for the second Caramel Macchiato. And a tablet was in the angel’s hand, and its screen was bright as fire. And the letters upon its screen said ‘Steve Bannon’s Top Catholic Influencers’:
Cardi B
Cherished by Catholic millennial voters after twerking for the Pope, the heavily buttocked songstress will pause during her forthcoming Vegas shows to pray the Rosary.
Brett Kavanaugh
A majority of the Supreme Court is of Catholic background. Bannon has inserted Kavanaugh into the Court as a sleeper agent, to be activated when Kavanaugh goes live with his new Instagram channel. Kavanaugh’s so popular with women and young voters, he’ll be a one-man Opus Dei.
Ariana Grande
‘First the gays, then SpongeBob, and now Harry Potter?,’ Grande said when Pope Benedict denounced Hollywood as Satan’s backlot. ‘Get out of my house!’ Top influencer Grande is said to have converted to Kabbalah under the influence of the still-influential ‘Like a Prayer’ Madonna, but Bannon is hoping to influence Grande back into the only house that matters. The house of God.
George Clooney
Essential to getting out the Catholic vote in the Midwest and Greenwich Village, Clooney is believed to be on the verge of dropping out of Hollywood and becoming a nun — so long as the Carmelites give him a dispensation to record Nespresso ads twice a year.
Toni Morrison
Top novelist Morrison is writing a novel, The Manchurian Catholic, in which an apparently Episcopalian president stuns the press corps by attending Sunday services at the National Catholic Cathedral. Morrison is believed to have been inspired by Alice Walker’s famous novel of seminary life, The Color Purple.
Chaka Khan
The soul singer, known to her confessor as Yvette Marie Stevens, has been booked to perform a jazz-funk version of the Canticle of the Blessed Virgin at the Inauguration of the next Catholic president.
Mel Gibson
Long admired for The Passion of the Christ and his interfaith work, Gibson will focus on building alliances with the Elders of Zion. America’s a big place, but there’s only room for one conspiracy at a time.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Cockburn is still trying to understand how Ocasio-Cortez’s name ended up on Bannon’s list. The only possible explanation is that Bannon has planted AOC in the Democratic Socialists of America. Could she be the Manchurian Catholic?
Nihad Awad
No, Cockburn doesn’t understand either why Steve Bannon thinks the head of the Council on American-Islamic Relations is Catholic. It just goes to show how extensive the Catholic conspiracy is, and how cunning its methods are. They’re everywhere!
