Cockburn saw Papa John last week at CPAC — and he had some strong words about his old stomping grounds.
John Schnatter, founder of Papa John’s Pizza, was ousted from his company in 2018 after saying the N-word on a conference call. Cockburn thinks he had it coming.
Schnatter, who ate 800 pizzas from the chain over the last eighteen months, claims the company is now “down with Little Caesar’s,” among the gravest insults you can level in the pizza business.
The Pizza Papa made it clear that he knows why the company is losing its way: “We built the whole company on conservative values. Conservative ideology has two of the most critical attributes: truth and God.” Without truth and God, he said, the pizza had gotten worse.
Thankfully, Cockburn knows two things well: pizza and beer. With this in mind, he decided to pick up a six-pack of Yuengling Lager and some Papa John’s to see whether Schnatter was right to be concerned about godless pizza.
He opened the cardboard clamshell like a unlucky bride accepting a proposal to a night’s worth of bubble gut, and took a bite of the spinach and tomato atop a creamy sauce. In an instant, he knew it needed to be drenched in sauce to be properly enjoyed — not a good sign.
He slid off the lid of the provided garlic sauce to see that it had coagulated. The top ingredient: soybean oil. With every bite, he felt the high phytoestrogen content entering his bloodstream, draining his testosterone and also his will to live.
After such a taste test, he knew this pizza was godless and liberal. Papa knows best.
Yet then he heard the voices of angels crying out “holy, holy, holy” down the street. Cockburn, half in a drunken stupor, decided to investigate. He followed the sound to Domino’s, which was founded by the hyper-Catholic, pro-life Tom Monaghan.
Seeing a picture of Monaghan joyously flipping dough framed on the wall, he knew this would be a much better option. Speaking over the sound of rattling rosary beads, he ordered the same: spinach and tomato.
Every bite was like the manna Israel tasted in the wilderness. This was a godly pizza.
Cockburn has gone to confession only once in his life, but after tasting godless Papa John’s, he’s reconsidering his lax religiosity. Papa is right: only God can put the taste back into that greasy mess.
