When Cockburn heard that Harry and Meghan had trademarked ‘Sussex Royal’ in preparation for franchising themselves to a grateful American public, he went straight to Harry and Meghan’s modest country cottage — restored by the taxpayer shortly before they declared their ‘financial independence’ — and went through the trash. What he found was a right royal scoop: the handwritten product list for Sussex Royal. It’s treason to run this in the UK, but the Spectator USA HQ has been outside the jurisdiction of Harry’s grandma since 1776, so here goes:
Eau de Markle™
A sophisticated ladies’ perfume containing extracts from Meghan’s sweat glands. Musky with undertones of greed and environmental hypocrisy, it complements perfectly Sussex Royal’s cologne for the discerning gentleman, Windsor Stag™, with its traditional notes of mahogany, leather and lapdancer.
Handy Andy’s Massage Oil™
Why ‘step back’ from your royal duties when you can lie face down? Meghan and Harry are only the latest royals to step back and cash out; cheeky Prince Andrew did the same only a few weeks ago, so he could spend less time with his family. Mixed in a laboratory on Jeffrey Epstein’s Caribbean island, this mixture of jojoba, avocado and Castrol GTX oils will smooth out your fat back. Caution: Not to be used by under-16s.
Candles in the Wind™
Meghan is just like Harry’s mother Princess Diana, and who can forget Elton John’s jowl-shaking threnody at her funeral? These candles are made from all-organic industrial solvents, so they never blow out. Perfect for placing in front of an open window when you’re posing for the paparazzi.
The Brighton Collection™
Brighton is the capital city of Meghan and Harry’s kingdom of Sussex. Set on England’s swinging south coast, Brighton is like Malibu, with crystal-clear waters and beaches covered in dogshit. It’s also the gay capital of Britland. Meghan and Harry are raising Prince Archie as he would wish, as a gender-neutral millionaire no different from any other normal Sussex subject. The clothes in the Brighton Collection are handmade in sweatshops personally sourced by Meghan. All of them are in the Commonwealth, whatever that is.
Camilla ’n’ Tonic™
Harry fondly remembers how his father Prince Charles cheated on Princess Diana with his wicked stepmother Camilla. Camilla ‘n’ Tonic is her signature drink, and she doesn’t leave the Costco at Windsor without it. Blended by Beefeaters in the Tower of London, this mixture of ethanol, juniper berries and cigarette ash is a 21-gun salute to the senses, topped off with a secret recipe tonic water with ingredients from the Amazon Basin and little Archie’s bathtub.
Prince Charles’s Facial Scrub™
Deep in the dungeons of Windsor Castle, armed guards watch over the Royal Family’s most expensive assets: the Koh-i-Noor, Queen Mary’s jewel-encrusted crown, and seven jars of Prince Charles’s toenail clippings. Ground down by real English peasants, then mixed with a base oil of oatmeal and Crisco, the royal clippings will exfoliate the ruddiest of cheeks.
Harry’s Boot Camp™
The buff prince of Bel Air Hal will knock his American subjects into shape. The Harry’s Boot Camp™ DVD is based on the fitness routines that Harry learnt in the Army, combined with deep breathing techniques learnt from Special Forces in Afghanistan and his best mate Guy Pelly, now appointed the Keeper of the Stash. ‘Give me 20 – dollars, that is!’
Sussexy Swimwear™
Meghan has put the ‘sex’ into Sussex. If you want to feel like a queen for the day, do what Harry does when he’s been a good boy and slip into some of her Sussex Royal swimwear. The ‘Wellington Booty’ is based on the bikini that the Duke of Wellington wore to the ball on the night before the Battle of Waterloo, and the ‘Suits’ one-piece leaves everything to the imagination. Pair it with ‘Hairy Harry’, the elegant male beach thong modeled on the butt-floss Prince Charles wore on his first state dinner at the White House.
